There's No Such Thing As A Good Time. When Karaoke Is Involved.

So, I think I may have met the woman I intend to marry last night. The only basis I have for this is because she did an intensely moving cover of Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" at a small club in Charlottesville, playing to only about 6 people. This woman was far from a Goddess, but I often find comfort in finding compatibility based off of musical tastes. And it wasn't lost on me that she was singing a song written by two lesbians about fighting off temptation from another lesbian. However, where there's smoke, there's not always fire. Sometimes there's just a lot of steam. I bring that up to bring this up....did I find out of said far-from Goddess, possible future life partner woman would like to share conversation over a nice cup of apple cider? No. There's two reasons for this. One, I am too shy, and our conversation just raged on about what bands we have in common (Yes on The Clash, Sleater-Kinney, and The Jesus and Mary Chain...but No on Springsteen, and she "doesn't get" Jay-Z, but is insane about Kanye West)...but the other, more irritating reason?

Karaoke night started. Oh. Yes. Now, I'm sorry if I offend anyone who lives for the art of Karaoke. I am just not one of those people. I can't even get a laugh out of it. and I get a laugh out of everything involving awkwardness. I wrote the book on awkward laughs. Seriously, I did. Or, at least I'm working on it. Now, I didn't know Freddie Mercury personally. I really didn't. But, I would bet that when he wrote 90% of his catalog (Or, when Brian May wrote said catalog), he didn't expect it to be sung by drunken, sweaty dudes in small clubs. Who are singing to mostly other dudes (Well, Freddie would have obviously been ok with that.). Like, why do I want to hear you scream "Fat Bottomed Girls" at me? why does anyone want that? And there's 2 kinds of Karaoke people. The people who are just looking for a "wild", drunken time, and just get up there and act a fool. I respect this kind. I might not like the show you're putting on, but hey...if you're getting your kicks, I can be into that for the time being. The other kind, REALLY puts on a serious show. You know. The dude that tries to get you to sing along to that one part in "Brown Eyed Girl"....or the guy who gets on his knees at the end of "Don't Stop Believin'"...I have no tolerance for this. If I wanted to see a middle aged man hanging on to his last great moments by singing Journey songs...well, I'd just go to a Steve Perry show. Maybe I'm too harsh. Maybe I just don't understand Karaoke. A woman last night told me that I was just too young. I think this has little to do with it. Bad cover songs are bad enough, but at least they're sung, in a studio, and usually (well...sometimes) by people who have some bit of connection to a song, and didn't randomly pick it out of a book. Although, I'm pretty sure that Jessica Simpson kind of just threw a dart, and it landed on "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'"....and (music video aside, guys) we all had to suffer. Karaoke is like that for me. Except for it doesn't stop right away.

And you all MUST be asking....well why stay? I. Have. No. Clue. Well, last night, I wanted to see the not quite Goddess, but still awesome girl go up for her encore (Which won my heart more, as she took on Rise Against's "Swing Life Away", and although she messed up the key lyric "We live on front porches and swing life away", I was too perplexed to even notice. That's a Cardinal sin though. If you're going to cover a song, you CANNOT mess up the line that contains the title of the song. Totally not acceptable, am I right?), but usually, I can't tear myself away from Karaoke, no matter what. And the kicker, last night ended with someone destroying Knockin' On Heaven's door. Not Dylan style. Rose style.

Short, but sweet venting blog, and I'm off to Columbus until next year tomorrow morning. So, safe travels to anyone else traveling, and as always, enjoy.

808's, Heartbreak, Heartbeats, And Jo Dee Messina.

I remember talking to my dad once, years ago, about writing. And my dad is not the inspiration for my love of writing, but his insight is always quality. I remember he told me, as I was struggling through writing poetry for a class, that I couldn't possibly have anything that anyone would care to read. And when I questioned this, he told me I hadn't paid any kind of price. Everyone wants to make great art, but no one wants to pay the price that comes with that task. If you haven't had something you love shattered by the world, then I don't know if you can create anything that really would move people. I didn't get that when I was 14, but a couple of lost ideals and broken hearts later, I get it.

So, we then fall on Kanye West. The most polarizing artist of this time. The wildly ambitious "808's And Heartbreak" was released on the 24th, pushed ahead from 12/16, due to West's anxieties on getting it released. On "Barry Bonds" (Track from his previous album, Graduation), West rhymed 'They say I'm going crazy/and they seen it before/but I'm doing pretty good as far as geniuses go'....I don't know if a year later, that's the case. After the success and critical lauding of Graduation (I'll admit...it's an instant classic), things tail spun. West's mother passed away, and the following month, his engagement to his fiance' was broken off. West talked of losing his mind over constant scrutiny that came with the pop star status that he strived for (Which, I personally have little sympathy for...he wanted to be the biggest star on the planet, and when he got there, he couldn't take it. Can I admire his honesty? yeah, but he stepped over anyone to get to the top...) So, out of all of this comes lack of companionship, loneliness, pain, and a dark, dark album of West mostly singing, and using autotune to correct pitch effects, and give vocals a more robotic sound.

I should hate this album, I really should. But, it's hard for me to. It's a rap album. That's pretty much sung, by a guy who can only kind of sing...and it's depressing, for God's sake. I mean, really depressing. The second track is even called "Welcome To Heartbreak"....When I heard (first single) "Love Lockdown", it was cool, but I didn't get it. But it's what Kanye West wanted and needed. I mean, at it's core, this is an experimental pop album. I remember reading where West stated that he'd rather be Brian Eno than Dr. Dre. After I got over the shock that he was familiar with Eno, I thought of that, and I take this record, and have to think that he's there. Hip Hop purists may not see the genius that lies in this album, but it's there. West finally got his disdain for pop music back. He lost it somewhere in between Hurricane Katrina and sampling Daft Punk. If you don't hate the genre that's hailing you as it's savior, you can't change it. He's creating a different musical genre here. That may seem dramatic, but I can't think of anything to fit this into (West calls it "pop-art", but that's taken, and he should know better.), which is what Eno was all about. I mean, really....really...us as hip-hop fans. How many more brilliantly produced albums filled with samples could we really take? I mean, we know he's a brilliant studio guy. (Bold statement time...) Next to Phil Spector, and Brian Wilson, I don't know if anyone works better in a studio than Kanye West. He surpassed Quincy Jones last year with Graduation. But what everyone wanted was feeling. I think people always wanted him to make a record that wasn't overwhelmingly selfish and caused you to cringe with lyrics like, well, "I'm doing pretty good as far as geniuses go". And while in some ways, this album IS selfish, because he's dealing with self centered feelings, and it's all therapy...it's selfishness that we all feel. And in some ways it shows that yes, Kanye West is human, and not just an arrogant monster of a pop star.

All that said, Critical reactions were very mixed. Mostly positive, but this is the first album that hasn't been overwhelmingly lauded by critics. Harsh critics have just said "I don't get it" or "Well this is a great album if you're heartbroken, otherwise it just doesn't work", and it's generally seen as West's throwaway experimental album. But there's some real musical growth in this record, and even if you despise West, I'd recommend giving it a try. It's pop-art for the sake of pop-art. And at the end of the day...name one legendary artist that didn't have an experimental album?

The other side of this blog....I love Jo Dee Messina's new(er?) song, and I'm ashamed of this. I heard it at my friend's house 2 weeks ago, and I may buy her new album. I don't feel I should be ashamed though, 'cause the woman can SING. It's a struggle, but the other thing that came out of that night....Music movies are great, right? But as far as fictional bands, is any group better than The Five Heartbeats? the group that Robert Townsend made a movie based loosely off of the Temptations? I mean, they were outrageous. They fought on stage, ripped off each other's clothing on stage, and they had more cocaine than Tony Montana. And....AND they had a tiny dance instructor that threatened everyone with violence. I mean, I think you've got to check for the Oneders, because "That Thing You Do" is the catchiest tune ever, and Steve Zahn is the man ("You gotta watch me! I'm quick!....I'm from Erie, PA"), and Stillwater in Almost Famous....although they were kind of only good because the guitar player got out of control and screamed "I'M A GOLDEN GOD!!!" from the top of some kid's house, and then tried to deny it. Plus, Jason Lee as a frontman? I had a hard time with that one. The Five Heartbeats is a film classic. If you haven't seen it, run out and see it. And if only the Temptations could have ended so well....

Hopefully everyone had a great holiday.

Christmas and the Wintry Mix

Wintry. That's a cool word, no? But anyway . . .

Christmas songs. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you just can’t avoid ‘em this time of year. Like most of you I have my own collection, the only difference being that mine is far superior to yours. It makes no difference if you like the classics or the contemporary, the Shoe Archives has them for you. With that in mind, let’s take a stroll down to The Black Hole and have a look in The Archives to see what’s filed under “Christmas.” Hey, get out from behind the bar, that’s my territory . . .

O.K., first let’s take a look at some of my personal all-time favorites, the old rock standbys if you will.

Happy X-Mas (War is Over) - John Lennon: John singing of Christmas, peace, love, and the end of war. What more could you ask for?

Father Christmas - The Kinks: A traditional Christmas song that tells the story of a department store Santa Claus who is beaten up by a gang of poor kids who tell him to give them money instead of toys. Touching.

Punk Rock Christmas - Sex Pistols: Pretty much a straight-forward punk rock Christmas song. How they got the lads to do it I’ll never know.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) - U2: The great U2 remake of the 1963 Darlene Love classic. Bono shreds on lead.

Little St. Nick - The Beach Boys: Christmas in the original Beach Boys style. I can’t have Christmas without this one.

Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town - Bruce Springsteen: The Boss’s live version that brings down the house. “It’s all cold down on the beach . . . “

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Chrissie Hynde: The classic as only Chrissie can sing it. Simply beautiful.

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum - Jimmy Buffett: Along with Christmas in the Caribbean, Buffett’s best holiday party song.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - John Mellencamp: Great rockin’ version of this Christmas classic, but with a Mellencamp touch.

Christmas All Over Again - Tom Petty: “And right down our block, little kids start to rock . . .”

Honorable Mention: Do They Know It’s Christmas? - Band Aid, Merry Christmas baby - Bruce Springsteen, Christmas in the Caribbean - Jimmy Buffett, Santa Baby - Rev Run & The Christmas All-Stars

Next, let’s take a look at some newer fare, tunes that have caught my ear in recent years:

Christmas Time - Smashing Pumpkins: Simply one of the most beautiful, touching Christmas songs I’ve ever heard. More emotion than in any other Billy Corrigan vocal.

Everything’s Gonna to Be Cool This Christmas - Eels: Mr. E telling himself that everything’s going to work out . . . maybe.

The Man in the Santa Suit - Fountains of Wayne: Only the quirky band from the east coast could sing it like this.

Lonely Christmas Eve - Ben Folds: Ben’s version from the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” soundtrack.

Christmas - Blues Traveler: Bluesy number from the early 90’s. Yes, Popper blows the harmonica.

Christmas Time Again - Extreme: Maybe Gary Cherone couldn’t stick with Van Halen, but he kills this song.

The Lights and Buzz - Jack’s Mannequin “It's Christmas in California, And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time, But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters. It's good to be alive.”

Waking Up On Christmas - The Smithereens: Straight-ahead rocker by the legendary Smithereens.

Santa’s Beard - They Might Be Giants: “I saw my baby wearing Santa's beard, She kissed him once and whispered in his ear, I saw my baby wearing Santa's beard, I wish he would go, He's breaking up my home . . .”

I Want an Alien for Christmas - Fountains of Wayne: FoW pretty much saying that, well, they want an alien for Christmas.

Honorable Mention: Snowman - Barenaked Ladies, Last Christmas - Jimmy Eat World, I Hate Christmas Parties - Relient K, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Sister Hazel

I also would like to mention a few other Christmas gems you might enjoy. You may not hear these in your local Wal-Mart, but here goes:

Who Put the Dick on the Snowman? - Rodney Carrington: A heartwarming story about some kids who made a snowman in honor of their father. Sure to pull at your heartstrings.

Ho Ho F***ing Ho - The Monty Python Singers: A Christmas song with a Monty Python twist. Great for Christmas office parties or church socials.

Merry F***ing Christmas - Mr. Garrison from South Park: As politically incorrect as you can possibly imagine.

I’ve Got a Boner for Christmas - Nerf Herder: Pretty much what the title suggests. Perfect for sitting on front of the fire with that special someone.

Well, there ya go. I also have a ton of the usual suspects such Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano, McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime and the like. Yeah, yeah, I have some Alvin & The Chipmunks too.

To conclude, you are hereby invited to visit The Black Hole this holiday season, have a Hot (or cold) Toddy, sit back, and listen to my seasonal offerings. Consider it my gift to you, my loyal Rock Hard Times brethren. Just call first so I can make sure I’m not going to be home.