How Relationships Prosper. Or, I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You (Or Your Horrible Record Collection.)

"...No Springsteen is leaving this house! You can have all the Carly Simons..." - St. Elmo's Fire

I grew up in a pretty normal home I think. Two loving parents. Older, cooler siblings. Tight knit community. But, at a closer glance, something always stood out to me. My loving parents, who had been in love with each other since attending rival high schools in Harlem, had separate record collections. All of my Mother's vinyl was tagged with her name, and set off to one side of the player, and same with my Father's on the other side. That, for some reason always intrigued me. Even at an early age. I mean, here we have two loving parents who share a home, children, lives, etc. but their record collections are too precious to mix. My dad used to say it was a "Jersey thing", but I quickly learned that almost everything that my dad couldn't explain was a "jersey thing". But, I will say this, whenever we traveled to the east coast to visit relatives, I noticed this same thing. Record collections just don't mix. No matter how in love you are with a girl.

My father was/is this ultimate Jersey guy. He wasn't even born there, and probably didn't spend more than 15% of his life there...but it was the formative years that he spent there. About ages 8 to 17* (Stay tuned for a cool Jersey story), and it's never seemed to leave him. He's like this east coast folkie/hippie/jazzy/soul junkie, and it's never left. My mother was a hippie, sure...but she rocked a little heavier, and her soul was a little ummm....soul-ier. So, needless to say, my dad didn't want her Martha and the Vandellas mixing in with his Southside Johnny. And my dad, who claims that he swore off Dylan the minute he plugged in, would flip his lid if ANYONE bought any Bob Dylan into the house that wasn't one of his first 2 albums. Although he have a soft spot for Blood on the Tracks, which my mother bought him during their courtship. But, I'm sure he's never listened to it. So, I may be a jerk for saying this, but the separate record collection works in many ways.

First off, I've dated some girls who listen to Creed. Yeah, they exist. So, I mean what if one day I would fall madly for a girl who has wonderful traits, but horrible taste in music? Well, easy fix. Separate CD/Record collections. That way, when I have cool friends over that I want to impress, they won't make the mistake of thinking that Hoobastank special edition double disc is mine. But, this can work to her advantage too. If SHE wants to impress someone, she can just show them my music collection, which has not even the faintest traces of Scott Stapp. I mean, I'm not being elitist all the way. I've got some questionable taste too, but my misses are fun, and exciting. My guilty pleasures aren't even guilty, they're just hilarious. Plus, some of them are so obscure, people won't be sure if they're good or not. And some of them have cred. Do I own at LEAST 3 Olivia Newton John records? Maybe I do, who's asking? (Yes. Yes I do.) But, oh, wait....is that the same Olivia Newton John from Grease? Why yes it is! Hmmm....guess who's poor taste just got some credibility. Scott Stapp was never in Grease (there's a hair joke in there somewhere, but it's too easy.) And who doesn't love Falco? "Rock Me Amadeus" was a classic! Plus, have you seen that guy? He looked hilarious! And any German pop music gets instant credibility. I call it "The Kraftwerk Clause". Not to mention, Falco's dead, he got hit by a bus while he was (allegedly) on coke. So, a rockstar death = instant credibility. I mean, if you're going to have bad taste in some pop music, do it big. Don't go Jessica Simpson, that's too easy (especially after her complete disrespect for "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" a few years back)...go Willa Ford. She's Jessica Simpson, but worse. When it comes to bad taste, you go big, or go home. Unless you're my wife and/or living with me. In which case, you go big, or I'll go to like a hotel or something.

I mean, I'm willing to bend and mix record collections if she's willing to throw out some of her horrible records. Even the horrible records by good artists. No, ESPECIALLY those. Look, I like James Taylor as much as the next guy, but I don't want New Moon Shine next to Mudslide Slim or Sweet Baby James. I'll bend there as well. And look, I'll say it...the only. ONLY Liz Phair album allowed around me is Exile in Guyville. Period. I let Whip-Smart pass once when I was trying really hard to get an indie-type girl to be into me, and I've never been the same since. I've got some Cure records that should have never seen the light of day (I'm looking at you, Wild Mood Swings) that I'd be willing to part with. Intermixing of record collections can also be good for a learning experience. If I'm reaching for one of mine, and I pull out one of yours, well, look....this is a good experience for both of us. But it's all about compromise and understanding. Also, despite my very first blog on this site, I'm not going to require you, or anyone to know who Lindsey Buckingham is, I'll settle with you being able to name one member of the E-Street band (and not "The big black guy"), as long as we don't force each other's bad music on each other. Even if we find it good, and can't understand why the other doesn't like it. You're not a Jay-Z fan? I (kind of.) Understand that, so when we're around each other, I won't play Reasonable Doubt, as long as you keep my ears safe from Joni Mitchell, who most people hate me for not being into. I'm sorry. My Mother would pull Court & Spark (from HER record collection of course) and play it like 4 times a week when I was like 8. I still can't get "Raised On Robbery" out of my head, and that is NOT Mitchell's finest moment.

Lastly, separate collections is good for one final thing: The breakup. We all know that breakups suck. They do. But lets not make them worse by custody battles involving music. I mean, just look at St. Elmo's fire. Leslie (played by Ally Sheedy, who is one of my top 5 80's crushes) was trying to make out with Springsteen AND The Pretenders. Come on....Pretenders II, maybe. But not the debut album. Pretenders II is even being generous, but I'd personally part with Learning to Crawl. Seperate music collections, and Alec wouldn't even have to fight over it. He'd keep his Pretenders, she'd keep her Carly Simon (which he apparently got her for her birthday. Depending on the Simon album, it'd be worth fighting for. If we're talking Playing Possum, or No Secrets, I'm claiming ownership through gift purchase rights. And I would fight to the death for The Bedroom Tapes.), and we all make off happy. Take my advice, guys AND gals, and live the dream. I once bought a vinyl copy of Weezer's blue album for a girl, and after the relationship ended, I did not ask for it back....but I have dreamed about it ever since. Every time a new, horrible Weezer song comes on the radio, I think about it. And what could have been if I had just kept 'em separated. But, I guess it's a Jersey thing.

*Cool story: I don't write about Springsteen much, because I'm too big of a fan. But, in about 2001, I was in a small bar/club in Jersey watching a local band. At about 10 p.m., Bruce casually strolls in, with a few members of the E Street Band. Because he IS Jersey, almost no one in the club made a ripple, as he went through the smallish crowd saying hello to the regulars. He then waited for the local band to finish, approached the stage, and asked if anyone minded if he played "just a few short songs". He, his band, and some of the local band then jammed, and played for what turned out to be around 3 or 4 hours in a small club, in front of only about 30 or 40 people. Needless to say, I almost fainted a total of 50 times during that night. I will never go to see Springsteen play again, because that was the best thing. Ever.

I am off to Charlottesville for the weekend. Enjoy it, fellas.