If You Don't Get Away From That Jukebox, I Will Lose My Mind.

Jukebox rules. We've got to establish some, otherwise just anything can happen in a bar. Look, I don't drink, so I'm here for a good time without being drunk. If I'm driving you home wasted, I should have first choice of song. I don't care that you're wasted and you want to hear "your song!"....seeing as that song is Run-Around by Blues Traveler, and I've heard it 4 times already tonight, I think you'll survive. I mean, I like John Popper and co. as much as the next guy who's afraid that Popper will shoot them and everything they love, but man, come on. We can compromise. I'm not into bringing music snobbery into this bar scene, and I'm sure you're trying to pick up chicks, so how we can meet halfway on some Pat Benetar, right? Love is nothing if not a battlefield. You want to see girls dancing on the bar? I'd prefer the dance floor. Call me insane, but it just seems more practical. If coyote ugly had never come out, you wouldn't even care. So, no, I'm not down to put on every song Flo Rida has ever made. Kanye West is always a good choice. Danceable, but also intricate enough for a guy like me to want to listen to. Plus, it's loud enough to where the girl who's talking to me will have to get close to me and scream in my face, and there's nothing I want more than that. But lets get one thing straight right away...if someone ELSE brings music snobbery into the bar, I'll one up them until we close this baby down. You want to put on some Jonny Lang? I respect that, and I appreciate your effort. I'm sure there's nothing more on this Saturday night that these people in their early to mid twenties want to hear more than slowhand blues playing. But, since you wanna be 'that guy', I'll play that game....yep, you got it, I'm playing The Band, and now everyone's pissed off, and I'm pretty sure that the chick who got in here with the fake i.d. is leaving. And everyone was so fond of her. And who's the genius that picked out Joy Division? Look, we all know how fun misery can be, but playing the most depressing band of all time? in a bar? Yeah, I've got some Cure albums I'm dying to play, so that this drunk dude next to me can start crying on my shoulder. Look, it's simple, you've got to go: band that has a song that everyone knows, but they don't know the name of the band. That's what you start with. That's right, I'm coming out swinging with I Need You Tonight, because none of these girls in here know that INXS sings this, Especially not the one wearing the INXS shirt, and I'm going to look smarter than I am. Plus, you know how Mike Hutchence died, don't you? yeah....that's kinda hot. Ummm, depending on how you look at it. King Of Wishful Thinking is also a good choice for this spot. Hey, we've all watched Pretty Woman. And Go West pretty much is the greatest thing to happen to blue eyed soul since Rick Astley. Another rule. Hey bro...keep the song under 8 minutes. Despite the fact that you guys scream for it everytime someone goes near the jukebox, trust me...No one wants to hear Freebird, no matter how many times you and your frat brothers keep putting up lighters in this bar. Yeah, it's all fun and games until you bros set off the sprinkler system. This night is not going well, and who in hell's sake picked like 4 O.A.R. songs? Sweet Jesus, O.A.R. sucks, and these songs are like 45 minutes each. How long do you plan on being here bro? 'cause it's like 12:30, and last call is at like 3, and I'm sure that by that time, O.A.R. will just be breaking into the reggae interlude to the first song you picked. Aren't those guys from Maryland? Oh well, we've all got a little Bob Marley in us I guess, but I didn't know that you could add an extra 25 minutes to Redemption Song. Oh, yeah....we're in a campus bar though, so that explains why everyone is drooling over this garbage. Yeah drunk dude next to me, I DO know that the guys from O.A.R. went to OSU. Oh, yeah? you were at some kick ass party that they played at like 4 years ago? did they suck this bad then, or did they work at it? How long was that party? 5 days? these lame asses wouldn't know the end of a song if the tape stopped. I was down for some Black Keys, or maybe Blind Melon, but now there's not a snowball's chance that I'm gonna hear my songs. I'm not into wasting money on music. I was going to close out with an anthem too. Not Freebird, but maybe a little Journey, a little Tom Petty. Something we could all close the night out with by drunkenly singing along to. That's never going to happen now, because it's like 2:45 and we're just at the end of the second O.A.R. song. Oh, it's not the end? damn. So, I'm outta here. I've got to wash the tears off of me that Joy Division dude left on my shirt, plus the girls that were dancing on the bar ruined my shoes. Good night, and good luck. I'll be back to claim the Jukebox as my domain next weekend, now that we have the rules straight.