The Notorious Epiphany.

The Notorious B.I.G. died 13 years ago today. Or, rather, was killed 13 years ago today. March 9th, 1997 was a Saturday. Something I know because I would have had no other reason to NOT be at school at the hour I found out. I used to get up and watch shows on Saturday morning.....the shows where you're growing out of the Saturday morning cartoon phase, and watching shows filled with teen drama to kick off my weekend. Your "Saved By The Bell", your "Hang Time", your "X-Men" (to some extent...)....and occasionally, I'd turn to MTV. I'm dating myself, lest anyone think that I look good for my age, but I used to watch MTV because this was back when MTV used to do crazy shit. Like play music videos. On this morning, though, upon turning there, I was greeted with the cracking voice of Kurt Loder. Telling me that just hours earlier, Christopher Wallace had died from gunshot wounds suffered when a car pulled up next to the car that was carrying him, and opened fire. By that time, I was joined by my older brother, who had broken the news to me just 6 months earlier that Tupac had died. We just kind of sat. Watched video. They showed Brooklyn, the masses of Bed-Stuy, mourning it's fallen son. I don't remember what I felt. I do remember that I DIDN'T feel in any way frustrated by the violence, or bitter at the tone of the genre that spawned it, and I probably should have.

Listen, this was going to be some kind of memorial piece to BIG, I swear the hand that writes this to God, it had all the makings. But, it's been a funny week. I was in D.C. last week, at which point, the most highly anticipated first single in rap's recent memory came out. Drake, the would-be biggest of the next big things, Degrassi Community School alum, and Canadian foreign exchange student, released "Over", the first single off of the much, much hyped debut album "Thank Me Later" slated for a late March release. It was scheduled to drop sometime on Wednesday. However, on Tuesday, I was sitting with my dear friend Carmen, a skilled writer who has hip hop knowledge to rival my own, feminist leanings, a witty tongue, and hair like silk. (Last point irrelevant, of course.) Carmen checks her email, turns to me, and says "...Hey, I got the Drake single...." After getting over my bitterness over not getting it first (I mean, I'm not placing blame, but the homie Woods dropped the ball. He dropped a gym bag full of them. Digress.), we settled into critical mode, and listened. With it's swelling strings, and infectious, though a bit silly, hook (I mean, the song opens with the lines "I know way too many people here right now that I didn't know last year/who the f**k are ya'll...."), I declared the song decent, and at worst, serviceable as a first single. Carmen sat for a bit after the song was over, ran her hands through her hair, sighed deeply, and simply said, "I don't know, Nif". We moved on.

I spoke with her today. She told me that yeah, the song was fine. She is disheartened, though, by the fact that Drake seems to overuse the term "bitches" so frequently to describe women. She thought he would be different. He's intelligent, well spoken, from the suburbs, claims to love the women in his life...it doesn't make sense, she says. She thinks it's forced, and that's NOT ok. If it's organic misogyny, she can kind of stomach it, but not when it's a kid that knows better, keeping a negative trend going. She knows that she's a hip hop critic AND a feminist, so she's pulling double duty, and getting shitty pay from both sides.

And all the time she spoke, I was simply shocked that she even HAD to say this to me. That I'd somehow become so desensitized that I hadn't considered that an educated woman would hold this opinion. And this isn't Drake's fault, moreover, this isn't really about Drake. He's the great half-white hope, hip hop's own Barack, and I'm on board with it. I get it. But I worry.

Biggie is in my top 5 MCs of all time. Perched proudly at 3, he's stayed there for over a decade, because I refuse to restructure my list (despite that Jay-Z isn't in my top 5, yet Slick Rick still sits at 4. It's a stubborn thing, I'm not going through the work. Get over it.) But as it stands, I don't listen to much BIG these days. Partly because I truly believe in legends resting in piece. But, another part of me simply can't listen. Because my conscience won't shut up. It questions the content so much that I can't nod my head to songs like "Niggas Bleed" and "What's Beef" any more. Not when I've had two friends buried this year, and countless fall victim to senseless violence that has plagued the streets where I used to walk down as a 12 year old, with Biggie in my headphones. Not anymore. I know any art, ANY entertainment, can be violent. But where is the line, and where is the clear drawing of it? When I hear Biggie now, it's a level of darkness that I'm not sure I can go to. I hear not just murder, but torture, kidnapping children, killing women...and I think not to me, but to the 15 year old, fatherless or motherless, that may be misguided by people like me telling him he HAS to listen to Biggie's flow, because, hell...he could be the greatest EVER. And it's a macho act, I know that. Hip hop has always been a masculine exercise, no disrespect to Latifah, Salt, Pepa, Spin, MC Lyte, my dear friend Carmen, or any of the other women who love and stand behind the Genre. But, from the minute shirts came off, it's been about being the best, biggest man. But, as I grow older, and my idea of masculinity changes....I think, do MCs like Biggie have it all wrong?

I suppose I don't know what I'm saying here, what I'm trying to get across. Except this. Listen, no one wants this, most of all me...but there's a very, very real possibility that I'm going to have a child one day. And I'm sitting today, and thinking of my parents shielding me from most hip hop music as a child (save some Arrested Development, Tribe, and De La Soul), but I remember me STILL getting my hands on The Chronic the day it came out, and listening to it, all through school. I was 9. Sure, that's a romantic story for hip hop lovers, we've all had those moments. And I turned out moderately fine. But do I want MY son or daughter in that garden of eden? not exactly. I don't exactly want my son to hear that kidnapping a child and throwing it off of a bridge is a good form of revenge. Not sure that I want my daughter dancing to a song that tells her that she's only good as a sexual object, and if not, she's worthless. And THIS is what I hear when I listen to Biggie now. Not all of the time, but some of the time. Over half of the time, at least, and isn't that more than enough?

I'm not angry at hip-hop, don't get me wrong. I love it, God knows I love it. More than I've loved at least 2 of the girls I've dated. It's gotten far better, I think, or the optimist in me thinks. People complain about the use of the "N" word in the music. I roll my eyes and worry about the bigger fish to fry. I want hip hop artists respecting and honoring women. I want the genre to not be as homophobic. I'm all for street reporting, and street tales, because it was built in the streets, and it should stay there, and people need to know what the hell is going on. T.I. NEEDS to make the music he makes, and when he gets too caught up and tries to live the life, he NEEDS to pay the consequences. Clipse, they need to exist. If people see past the cocaine flow, they'll hear some truly heartbreaking stories about the conditions of the inner cities in America. THIS is where rap has come, and I'm happy for that, I just want it to do better. So that Drake doesn't have to overuse "Bitch" to fit in. That's a slippery slope.

I DO miss Biggie. His pacing, his rhyme structure, his delivery, his ability to weave a story, that voice....he may have been the perfect MC had he lived a bit longer. His party jams were better than any party jams. He was sweet, endearing, self deprecating ("Black, and ugly as ever")...and Hip Hop could have used his growth. It needed his growth. I do miss him, though. I wish I had a new B.I.G. album to play right now. Because I'm having the toughest time listening to the old ones.

The Notorious B.I.G. was killed 13 years ago today. And a kid sat and watched the news, unmoved. 13 years later, that same kid is going to put in the "One More Chance" remix, and be moved by how far hip hop has come. And how far it still has to go.