10 Things That Made Popular Music Worse In 2009, Part II. (Or, Well, That Deescalated Quickly.)

So, where did we leave off yesterday? Ok, look, I know I said I wasn't going to track this thing. But all I know is, I went to sleep, and Tiger Woods was at a possible 7 mistresses. I woke up at 10. And now we've got 11??? Listen, people. Me and my bros? We know how to party. Or at least I thought we did. T Weezy is bagging double digits, including some chick from a pancake house and...oh, yeah. ANOTHER PORN STAR. (Though, in that industry, which admittedly I'm not a major in...I feel as though the word "star" is thrown around a bit freely, right? I mean, is everyone a star?)....so the saga continues. Don't mistake my finding humor in this story for me condoning Tiger Woods possibly tearing his family apart. But much like any trainwreck, I'm in it for the lolz. Anyway, I left us with the first 5 things that damaged pop music in 2009 yesterday, which actually led to at least 2 thought provoking discussions about Lady Gaga. And now for the conclusion.


5.) Timbaland: WHAT HAPPENED? - The funny thing is, as of last night, this wasn't on the list at all. But, I had the dubious task of writing a review for the much awaited follow-up to 2007's Shock Value, the wisely titled Shock Value II. (And it blazed all the way to 5th....mmmm.) Listen, the first Shock Value destroyed me. Back in 2007, I told anyone that would listen, be it in print, or in person, that this album...THIS album would re-define the art of production in popular music. Timbaland? he's like a large, black Phil Spector (minus the guns and weird shit.) , this can't fail!

Well, Shock Value was not an enjoyable record. Yes, there were some gems. But on the whole, what we got was a sorely overproduced album with terrible collaborative efforts, capping off with a joke of a collab with Elton John.

Here's the thing, before I tear SV2 apart. Timbaland is an important cog in pop music production. For what will be coming up on nearly two decades, he framed a sound, and built artists. Really. I mean, ok, do I love Nelly Furtado? No. I don't even like her. But I own Loose. Because I'll be damned if the beat for "Promiscuous" isn't one of the best beats of all time. And if you think that adults would take Justin Timberlake seriously if it wasn't for Timbaland, you're mistaken. He's another Futuresex/Lovesounds away from being the new King of Pop. Tell me I'm wrong. But, Timbaland, after having a fantastic 2007, even with the SV flop, and a pretty damn solid 2008, vanished this year. This did two things. It left the toppermost of the poppermost void of hits with the Timbaland sound, the brand that he's towered over Billboard with for years. He produced on a mere 8 albums this year, and outside of his work with Chris Cornell on Scream, none of it was extensive. He struck out all over Jay-Z's aforementioned BP3, possibly offering up two of the worst beats on the entire record ("Off That" and "Venus and Mars"....Drake's infectious hook saved the former. The latter was beyond help.), and plodded his way through attempting to make Keri Hilson his next Aaliyah project. The second thing it did was expose us to just how bad mainstream production has gotten over the years. Yeah, it's front loaded, but with Kanye West and Timbaland not in the picture, well...you're asking a lot of The Neptunes. Producers like Danja, Polow Da Don, and Cool & Dre just had a hard time assuming the weight. They're like Pippens to Timbaland's Jordan. And for them, 2009 was that infamous "migraine" playoff game.

And Shock Value II , which I won't spend too much time on, is a disaster. It's Timbaland's heroic flaw coming to the front again, instead of working with the heavy hitters that he's aided, the Jay's, the Missy Elliot's, the ones with all of the best Chemistry, his ego makes him work with collaborators that he's CLEARLY better than. Just so that if he succeeds, he can say, "Look! I AM what you all thought!! I took Miley Cyrus!! Miley Cyrus!!! And I produced for her, and made her GREAT!!! I AM GENIUS!!!"

.....But, Then this happens. So, you're no longer sold.


4.) Albums Of 2009: The Best One Is......No, Wait, It's In Here Somewhere. - In short, I don't know that there was a great album this year. There wasn't one that towered over all of the rest. Now, is that bad? Not totally. But there were a handful of really flawed albums that were just "good" or "very good", which makes for a very curious state of music. I'd say 2008 had the Fleet Foxes record, TV on The Radio, and Gaslight Anthem....All GREAT records. Like, 5 star records. What album that came out this year is greater than 4 stars, if we're being honest? Look, I LOVE Animal Collective. I do. I still feel like Merriweather Post Pavilion is simply not more than a really good Beach Boys tribute album. REALLY good, but still, it is what it is. My number 1 album of the year, and I can share it since those of you that will read my end of year articles know this already, is The Dream's Love Vs. Money. That was my #1 album in July. That's not a good look. And yes, that's a great album, I wouldn't call it the best just to call it the best. But I can't think of another year this decade in which this would be ANYONE'S album of the year.

3.) Hip-Hop's Next Generation: Ummmm....Cool Story, Bro. - Well, ok, this was #1 for a long time, but I had some great discussions that made me scale back my opinion. See, I love hip-hop. I think it's easy to forget, because of all genres, I probably talk about it the least, but I know the most about it. I've seen the evolutions. I've seen Rakim fade out and NaS pick up where he left off, I've seen Jay-Z raise from the hails of gunfire that destroyed the genre in the 90's, I've seen Southern rap be re-defined, annoyingly at first, and then become comfortable. And now, We're at that place again. That place where the would-be greats are either getting older (Jay-Z, NaS, Scarface), Played out (Lil' Wayne), or burned out (T.I., and depending on the day, Lupe Fiasco.) So, in comes these guys.

Throw in Drake, not pictured, and those are the would-be leaders on the new school. Kid Cudi, Wale, B.o.B., Asher Roth, Charles Hamilton, Mickey Factz, Cory Gunz, Ace Hood, Curren$y, and Blu. Now, it's not that these guys aren't that good. But their output in 2009 barely made a drop on the radar. The Asher Roth backlash was hilarious. But it didn't really help. The Greenhouse Effect mixtape got decent buzz, but debut album Asleep in the Bread Aisle pretty much got trashed. Cudi and Wale did their part, both releasing albums that won me over with just half of a listen, and spoke positively to the future of where hip-hop could go. The rest? Cory Gunz spent the year much like he spent last year. Talking about how great his album is going to be when it drops, Mickey Factz left something to be desired on everything he spit on, I forgot Blu even existed, Ace Hood's album bricked, and Charles Hamilton got punched by a girl.

All things considered, we didn't break even. The good is, Drake will be fine. He needs to break free from the Young Money machine, and really strive for the creative control he so wanted, but he'll be fine. Wale and Cudi speak to that same point. But that can't be it. Mainstream hip hop needs artists to fill the Jay-Z void, it's how it survives. Underground hip-hop is fantastic because it can survive off of beats and rhymes alone, which is pure, and I love and respect it. But the mainstream arena needs THOSE GUYS that have crossover appeal, yet can still make the backpackers nod and smile from time to time. Otherwise, the over-commercialization of the genre will have to continue to appeal to the lowest common denominator. And I get worried that this is where we're heading if the under 30 crowd doesn't step up in 2010.


2.) Band Breakups: Teenage Girls Are Pissed. (Or, Ryan Ross, WTF?) - So, let's do the rundown. Cute is What We Aim For? Done. Louis XIV? Done. Danity Kane? Totally done. Laurie Ann Gibson doesn't bullshit. Cheetah Girls? Had to look it up for the purpose of this ongoing gag, but....yeah. They're done.


Now, of that group, the only one that even matters the least to me is Louis XIV, simply because Illegal Tender is one of the best EPs that I've heard in my lifetime. But there's two others that didn't TOTALLY break up...but....

So, first, Panic at The Disco splits in half. Ryan Ross and Jon Walker decided to part ways with Brendon Urie and Spencer Smith. And Brendon Urie, because I imagine he's a passive aggressive, whiny asshole, decides to put that stupid exclamation point back in the name. And now we've got 16 year old girls walking around with "Team Ryan" and "Team Brendon" shirts. Awesome, just what I needed to really spice up my August. But, yes, oh yes. This hurts pop music. Anyone that read any of my opinions on 2008's Pretty. Odd. would see that I thought it was a fantastic leap forward for a band that had a now-bright future. As long as the budding genius of Ryan Ross was recognized to it's fullest, since Ross was pretty much the only talent in that band, and showed that left to his own devices, he could do amazing work. I mean, seriously. P.O. was a good album front to back, a nod to classic rock, slickly arranged, with dialed down lyrics....I loved it. So, when I read that Ross had split to form his own band, The Young Veins, I was stoked.

But then something weird happened. Or, a series of odd things. First, Ryan Ross apparently woke up to a pile of cocaine, took a photo with it, and some questionably aged girls, and pulled the good old, "I have no clue how any of that got there". Which pretty much made the whole "Ryan Ross thinks he's a 60's rock star, but really isn't, LOL." thing make a whole lot more sense. And then I actually HEARD the Young Veins music. Let me see if I can describe it. It's like Ray Davies. If Ray Davies sucked. Ross can't sing, so it's really tedious to listen to, and despite his impeccable ear, he's no instrumental virtuoso, so the instruments often come off as clumsy, and cluttered. Mostly, look. Ryan Ross isn't going to win over the garage rock revival crowd after being in PATD. He's just not. And he's alienating all of the teenage girls who think that The Kinks were a 70's hair product. So, what? now The Young Veins are in limbo, at last check, they didn't have a record deal, and Ryan Ross is now going to be that brilliant young dude who screwed up, left a band because he overshot his critical acclaim, and he's going to rot in middle ground hades. Shit.

And what's worse, Panic's first post-Ross song....was pretty damn good. Catchy, great hook, Urie not doing his traditional over-reaching vocals....I don't think Panic is good for pop music long term WITHOUT Ross. And I don't think Ross is good for pop music long term without Panic. What a mess.

Lastly, as I'm sure most have heard, Fall Out Boy is on chill for a while. Look, here's the thing. I get it, man, I do. You do it until you can't fake it anymore, or until it doesn't mean shit, or until you want to kill each other, and you bow out. But don't play this "break" thing. I've got odds saying they won't come back. We've all been in relationships where this happens. And that's fine, I'd be sad, I've been a fan of theirs for the majority of this decade, even thought their last album was a peak. But I can take it. Patrick Stump has been the only talented guy in that band for years now, probably since the last song on Cork Tree , so whatever. But don't play the "break" game, Wentz. I can take it, much like Mike Gundy, I'm a man. But don't play that game with the young fans that you claim to pour your heart out for. Listen, I called this breakup at the start of the year, so I come out looking good. But the other day, I was sitting with my friend Courtney, a lukewarm FOB fan at first, and we're listening to their would-be swan song, the newly released "From Now On, We're Enemies", and she sighed, looked up and simply said, "You know, I was never THAT into them....but I'm gonna miss these guys." Me too, guys....Me too. Now sign me up for a fucking epic Patrick Stump solo career, right?

1.) Michael Jackson: If You Thought It Would Be Anything Else, You Have No Idea Who You're Reading. - I will remember the day when Michael Jackson died. Period. I'll remember where I was, all of it. I'll remember hastily writing a tribute before the death was announced, "just in case" (Poor taste? maybe, but come on.), getting a call from the best of my old time friends, Maria, in which she weakly asked into the phone, "Hey....umm....is Mike Jackson really dead??" when I responded that I thought so, she exhaled sharply, and simply said "Wow.....shit, man....I'm really sad." I remember writing this tribute, answering numbers of calls and texts, and finally just sitting back for a second, turning my phone off, setting my laptop aside, and thinking....'Wow. My generation lost it's Elvis.' I found myself sad, too, not because I knew the guy, but because if music as the soundtrack to a life is any indication, HE knew ME. Cheesy as it may be, it's true. If you were born after 1980, you got a glimpse of something magical, when you were still young enough to get excited about such things.

It's only right to close such a piece on such a not. R.I.P. once again, Michael.

(Tomorrow, we'll brighten up with the first 5 things that made pop music AMAZING in 2009. Tune in.)