A Musical Guide To The Sweet 16. (Trust Me On This One.)

Look, I get it. I'm in the same boat as you, I'm on your side. Unless you're this dude, your bracket fell under the wrath of Ali Forokhmanesh (we're facebook friends. Just sayin'.), and Lucas O'Rear. Who has the best pair of mutton chops I've ever seen another human possess, not only that, his name is definitely Lucas O'Rear. On top of those two gems, he ALSO has a hilarious clover tattoo. Plus, he generally plays out of control. And I like that. He's that dude that you play pickup against that you just KNOW is going to injure you.

So, if you're an avid sports fan like me, you've given up on your actual bracket, and just started seeing how many double entendres Billy Raftrey can get away with on air. (Referring to a ref kicking the ball as Villanova "getting a toe job" made me blush.)....and then I thought to myself. HOW? How can I somehow combine my love for music, with my love for sports? What a rare opportunity I have! This only comes along, what? 8-12 times a year? Well, this time, I'll probably take advantage of it...I guess. What will follow is a breaking down of the remaining 16 teams (in 2 parts, 8 teams at a time), by comparing them to what band they resemble in style, players, drug habits (?), and ultimately their chance to win it all. I think this will go better than my actual bracket. And CBS: LET GUS JOHNSON LIVE! Damn, can my man get a close game?

Off We Go:

EAST:

(12) Cornell: Ah, yes. Those smart ass Ivy League kids that you love to love, until you realize that hating them is so much easier. "Don't call us Cinderella, we're one of the best teams in the country"?? Seriously? Look, I get it, you guys are shooting lights out. You play as a team, you compile some great stuff, and everything is clicking....people are in love with your work....but there's always the fear that you're one step away from falling apart. Cornell, you are The Carpenters. A little underrated by being so straight laced, and playing by the rules. But there's also something about you that creeps people out, just a bit. Much like listening to Karen Carpenter's smooth, clean vocals, People don't turn on a Cornell game for excitement. You want the safe bet. Cornell, your insecurity leads you to go to extremes, which thankfully, haven't led to an eating disorder similar to Karen Carpenter's, but leads you to say things such as, "We're one of the best teams in the Country". You've got a couple of classics under your belt, Cornell. But may never be remembered as the best of all time.

(11) Washington: Well, well, well, Huskies. A little fast, aren't we? A little TOO fast? Coming out of a mediocre westcoast scene (ummm...the Pac-10 sucks), making an early splash? I like that. I'm a little worried that you may burn out too quickly, though. Washington....be proud to be Motley Crue. Nothing like having to prove yourself after you've clawed your way up through a west coast scene that was a competition to be the most average. And you did it with flair, no regard for ever slowing down, and probably a fair amount of hair product. It's not about quality with you, is it, Washington? it's about getting the most you can, as fast as you can get it. The hair metal mentality if I've ever seen it. And there's a good chance Lorenzo Romar is using SOMETHING. Keep living the dream, Washington. Until you hit a snag, catch some cases, and have to call it quits. I don't think the reunion will be as lucrative.

(2) West Virginia: I tread carefully here, as I know the Godfather of RHT, Shoe, is a fan, and friend of the great Bob Huggins. West Virginia, you're a group of guys who play smart, fundamental ball. And have a wildly unpredictable, but fiery and intelligent leader. This was a layup. You guys are The Who. You've got your star, but everyone plays their roles, and when you guys are on, you're as amazing to watch in person as anyone in the Nation. Plus, I could be reaching, but I simply think that Deniz Kilicli looks like Keith Moon. A little.

(1) Kentucky: Hot damn. Let's see. A bunch of young guys lured in by false promises, by a master mind manipulator who will stop at nothing to use their youth and talents to get to the top? Hello, Sex Pistols. Kentucky, you guys are too much, too young, too fast. I love watching John Wall sprint from end to end and launch himself into defenders just as much as I loved watching Johnny Rotten run from one edge of the stage to the other, screaming and leering at the fans. People won't notice that you young guns are just Coach Cal's latest quick fix to stay at the toppermost of the poppermost, much like Maclolm McLaren. But, that's alright. Patrick Patterson? you're kind of acting as Steve Jones and Paul Cook, all rolled into one. You're the older, wiser guy, who holds it all together, for as long as you can. Good luck. Jodie Meeks? yeah, you're Glen Matlock. The guy that got the hell out while the getting was good, and starred in the Rich Kids. Which, an NBA career will do for you, even if it is in Milwaukee. Instead of stabbing Nancy Spungen, and vanishing before overdosing in the Chelsea, let's see how many recruiting violations Coach Cal can rack up before overdosing on sanctions, and getting another fat contract at yet another national power. This may be your year, Kentucky, but it's going to be a wild ride.

SOUTH:

(10) Saint Mary's College: A few steady Australians keeping the beat of the team going, and a dominant guy up front? Psssh. You guys are AC/DC, easily. Mickey McConnell, you're the Phil Rudd of this whole thing. Steady when you need to be, playing easy, keeping the backbeat, but then you'll surprise us by banking home a money shot, right when your mates need it most. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Omar Samhan is the Brian Johnson of this bunch. Loud, brash, effective, and somewhat easy to enjoy, once you get used to how intense he is. Not a lot of creativity in this bunch, much like AC/DC...they keep it simple, they do what works, and they beat you over the head until you give in.

(4) Purdue: Losing your star is a bummer, and going through constant lineup changes to find out what works? never feels good. You know who can relate to that? Black Sabbath. Granted, Purdue isn't as dark as those guys, but Chris Kramer has been around forever, much like Tony Iommi, it's just that Kramer is far more annoying, and I've never wanted to punch Iommi. Once Robbie Hummel left the crew, languished to the bench, they struggled to find their identity. Like Ozzy leaving Sabbath. And yeah, they've had some good looks here and there, they'll stumble upon a surprising gem, much like "Headless Cross"...but you know that it's just not the same, they're well overrated, and they'll stumble far sooner than later. And eventually admit that they couldn't do it without their star.

(3) Baylor: I dislike Baylor. But, forget it. You guys are stylish, and from Texas, so you're ZZ Top. Deal with it. Get some beards, and GTFO of the tournament.

(1) Duke: Ah, the popular choice to hate, because they're too clean, too glossy, too white bread (no pun)....the kind of stuff your grandmother likes. Duke, you guys are The Eagles. With your straight laced hair cuts, and basic, unexciting play, everyone pretty much wants you to fail, except for people that like guys that don't take risks. You guys aren't even edgy enough to be Fleetwood Mac. I'm not advocating cocaine and inner turmoil, but let's face it, Duke. It wouldn't hurt the old excitement meter. You'll always be at the top of the charts, but we're all really rooting for you to fail. And Kyle Singler, I want to punch you as bad as I want to punch Don Henley for what he did to Stevie Nicks' solo career. He made it better. Like a jackass.

Tomorrow, we'll explore the remaining regions. Hopefully before the games start, but I'm not making any promises.