A Musical Guide To The Sweet 16. (Part II.)

Here's the funny thing. After last night, I had a few people ask me "Well, what about The Beatles! who are the Beatles going to be??" Well, come on, people. KANSAS WERE THE BEATLES! they had it all, the harmony, the established leadership, the boyish good looks....I don't think that this means that Ali Farokhmanesh (again. We're facebook friends.) is Yoko Ono, necessarily. But we'll get there. Today, we take a look at the remaining 8 teams, and what band they represent. And through that, I'll guide you to your eventual winner. Despite the fact that this process has never been tested, I can assure you that it's foolproof. Off we go.

WEST:

(6) Xavier: This is funny, because I was legitimately stuck on Xavier, and then the great, famous DJ (of Rock Hard Times fame? YOU BET.) had this suggestion after reading last night's entry, and it fit perfectly. So, I will quote him without his permission:

"Oh please let my Xavier Muskies be Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers! Are we a mid-major, or are we not? Do we complain to record companies about the high cost of LP records, then 25 years later have the audacity to charge $150.00 for a frickin' concert ticket? X is solid, year in & year out though...and on stage you'll wonder if it's live or Memorex they're that in sync. The Heartbreakers just don't have that one guy that is blessed with talent on loan from God - except for the perplexing lapses in judgement - like Jordan Crawford. Let's just say Ryan Adams is opening for TP & The HB's and sings a set with the guys...then smashes all of Mike Campbell's guitars on his way off stage?"

So, there it is, Xavier. DJ has you pegged, and I honestly couldn't agree more. You guys are Petty, Jordan Crawford is playing the role of all of the Heartbreakers in one.

(5) Butler: Butler, in your conference, you're at the top of your game. It's been a while since you've been beaten, you're steady....unlike your wild, fast opponents, you take it slow when needed, and you are technical wizards. Your conference is often overlooked, a conference that would represent a genre that only true nerds can get into. Butler, you're Rush. At the end of the day, no one but you, and maybe 10 other people care about the intricacies of your play. Much like I could care less what time signature "Bravest Face" is in...but you just keep putting out quality . You'll have your detractors, people that just don't want to put up with the pretentious know it alls that act like they really like what you do, when we all know they're just saying it to be cool, but you don't stray from your game. People will say that it's easy to come across this good when everyone that is your immediate competition is simply below you, but hey....Rush didn't rise to the top of the Prog Rock world by selling out like Yes, did they? There's no "Owner of a Lonely Heart" on your resume, Butler. But, you MAY need to switch the style up, just a bit, to compete with the remaining field. Can you?

(2) Kansas State: For F's sake, Kansas State. Who do you guys think you are? You're coming out of the midwest, you've never seen a shot you didn't like, and you're led by a madman, a great coach, probably a great leader, but a dude with great hair, that never seems to shut up. It only makes sense that you guys are Fall Out Boy. You impress the younger crowd with your style, running up and down the court, jumping all over the place, and taking shots from everywhere...but the older crowd sees through you, and wants something a little more safe. And they're probably shocked that you've made it this far without the ego of your leader eating you alive, much like Pete Wentz eventually did. Like Fall Out Boy, Kansas State...if you keep playing loud and fast, people may never notice your glaring deficiencies, and trust me...they are glaring. Denis Clemente, you're the Patrick Stump of this outfit. The true, true talent. The true backbone, who may get a bit overshadowed by the antics of your crew. But, don't worry. If SXSW was any indication for Stump, there's hope for a bright, respectable solo career for you, too.

(1) Syracuse: Syracuse, I like you. I mean, I REALLY like you. You're versatile, everyone can do everything, it seems. And yeah, you've got a star, who often takes most of the spotlight, and that can get annoying...but the rest of the guys are all talented, do it all players who get the job done. Sounds like The Band. And Jim Boeheim is as good as Ronnie Hawkins, the wise old legend who bought you into the world. Wes Johnson is the Robbie Robertson-like, spotlight lover, who has earned it through excellent play, and style that will stop nowhere short of bronzing a guitar. Andy Rautins, though, you're like Levon Helm. The REAL cog in this flawless machine. You can do it all. You guys haven't hit the phase of turmoil and tension yet, Syracuse. Let's hope you can get through this tournament before this happens. And Wes Johnson. Don't show up to the final four in bronzed kicks.

MIDWEST:

(9) THE University Of Northern Iowa: Northern Iowa, an unlikely cast. A crew of people from all backgrounds, mixed together, coming out of nowhere to take down the giants. Overlooked, underrated, and until recently, most people couldn't name ONE member of your entire crew. Broken Social Scene, anyone? Farokhmanesh is in the role of Feist, no disrespect to his gender. But, much like Feist, now that you've blown up, Ali (I shall call you Ali, because I have a hard enough time spelling my own last name, and I'll be damned if I have to spell yours, too. Great shot, but get over yourself.), people will be back tracking. Checking out all of your past hits, checking out all of your other group members, and their solo projects, and their past hits. Just don't bomb at the awards ceremonies, like Feist did at the Grammys a few years back, Ali...because you'll be at the ESPYs, at least. UNI, you guys, just like BSS, refuse to be written off as some unhuman super assembly of players, you're scrappy, fighting for every inch of respect you get, and no two players have the same sound. I like your odds to get some major hipster respect after this tourney, UNI. People will start saying they liked you BEFORE it was cool to like you. Roll with it. You'll be looked back on fondly.

(6) Tennessee: Tennessee, we just never know what we're going to get out of you, do we? Some nights, you'll put on the best show of all time, and the next night, you fall completely flat, and erupt into turmoil. You know who else had that problem? Oh, yeah. The Replacements. You guys are not headed for a good end, I'll tell you that. Bruce Pearl is the Paul Westerberg of this group, just kind of orchestrating a plan, and then getting out of the way, and letting Tommy and Bob Stinson bash their way through the show, hitting and missing all the way, much like JP Prince and Wayne Chism bash their way through a game, sometimes on fire, sometimes missing every shot they take until late into the 2nd half. But, when you're on. OH when you're on. It's the stuff of legend. You're better than everyone. But, at the end of the day, like the 'Mats, you guys just don't care enough. It's not enough to have groupies, endless beer, and glory at your fingertips. You'd rather show up to play in a dress, and nod off during the first half of your set. Godspeed, Tennessee. Godspeed.

(5) Michigan State University: Well, boys, you're in a similar boat as Purdue/Black Sabbath, it has just come at a far worse time. You were poised to make a run, and yeah, you were catching your stride, really hitting the mainstream hard, and taking advantage of the general weakness of your scene. And then you lost your leader in untimely fashion. Sadly, Michigan State, you're Nirvana. Losing Kalin Lucas leaves you utterly defenseless, much like Nirvana, and the state of Michigan is going to mourn similar to that pacific Northwest. And then, like the Foo Fighters, next year's model of you will rise to equal, if not greater success. It's a sad story, but a true one. RIP Kurt. And get well, Kalin.

(2) Ohio State University: You've got a pure genius leading the pack here in Evan Turner, boys. It may or may not even matter who the rest of you guys are, but the fact that you all compliment his skills so well? that's a match made in Heaven. People disliked when you got overlooked as a 1 seed, and THEN were slighted by getting the toughest 2 seed...but like things often do...it's seemed to work out. All that said, you all are The Beach Boys. Much like when Brian Wilson took a hiatus from the Beach Boys, and I feared for their existence, Evan Turner's brief break had me fearing for the legitimacy of your chances. But when he came back, you all were right back on top, were you not? Thad Matta, sadly, you're Mike Love. The guy who LOOKS like he's in charge, but you know really has no clue what the hell is going on half the time, and is praying that the genius of your team keeps it together, so that you can keep your car, house, and wife. Overlooked by other pop acts, aren't we, Ohio State? don't worry. The Beach Boys were often overlooked by the Beatles, and Phil Spector's wall of sound. But, look...Kansas were the Beatles, and that didn't pan out. And no one is Phil Spector, because he's in prison, but Kentucky could be well on it's way. This is definitely your time, Buckeyes. Once people realized the Beach Boys were more than just cars, surfing, and girls, they unleashed a masterpiece on us, with "Pet Sounds". Once people realize that you guys are more than Evan Turner (well....kind of...), you may finally get your masterpiece as well.

WHO WILL WIN:

If music history has taught us anything, it's that steady hands lead to longevity, but there's nothing wrong with making a little bit of an impact, doing a ton of narcotics, and flaming out. But, those are never the guys that make classic. Motley Crue had a ton of crap albums. So, I would rule out Washington. I'd also rule out Cornell. The Carpenters were beautiful, and safe, and loving. But after a few hits, they were taken over by the more rough, rugged oriented rock. So, that leaves you with Kentucky, and West Virginia coming out of the East. The thing about the Sex Pistols is this, they got INTO music to kill idols, and wipe out the ideas of legends like The Who. And, for a short while, they did. And they burned out, but not before they took the piss out of nearly all that they could. I'd say Kentucky here.

In the South, AC/DC, you have to remember....IS STILL AROUND. They're old, they're battered, but they've withstood everything. ZZ Top is still around, but no one cares. AC/DC came back stronger than ever, and put out one of their best albums last year, while ZZ Top kind of languished in Texas. Keeping the dream alive, I'd take Saint Mary's over Baylor. Black Sabbath is METAL. The Eagles are not. But, remember, this isn't Ozzy's Black Sabbath we're talking. It's not even Dio's. It's like Tony Martin's Black Sabbath. And while I'm in my 20's and not lame, and I hate the Eagles...they're the safe bet here. Take Duke. However, don't take Duke to your final 4. Because AC/DC learned the tricks over the years, the tricks to stay relevant without selling out like Glenn Frey and Don "Douchebag" Henley (Not sure if that's an actual nickname, or one I just gave him. I'll have to get back with you.)....St. Mary's to the Final 4.

In the West, it's tough. Tom Petty is a steady force, but I'm not sure that he would know what to make of Pete Wentz's bass throwing antics, angst-filled lyrics, and rapid fire mouth. I kind of see him cringing up in fear. Sadly, and I apologize to DJ, I'm going to have to suggest taking Kansas State one step further. Rush, you technically sound nerds, you're put up against a band who is JUST AS technically sound, but just chooses to play *GASP*....in a style that people can actually take in without hating themselves. Easy up here, Syracuse. Fall Out Boy, Patrick Stump aside, will never be accused of being a well-oiled musical machine. Much like Kansas State on the court. Syracuse rolls to the Final 4.

The Midwest is EASY. Michigan State, much like Nirvana, you're pretty much dead, but you'll live on in the hearts of many. That just won't translate to the actually living (and recently reunited) excitement of Broken Social Scene. THE University of Northern Iowa, advancing. It's a clash of styles with the Replacements and the Beach Boys, but you take The Beach Boys. They're safe, not in the same annoying way that the Eagles are safe, but they're safe in the fact that you know you're getting high quality, every time. They may have some poor spots at times, but they'll get it done. The Replacements...well their poor spots ended up being the death of them, didn't it? Lastly, Northern Iowa, much like BSS, is energetic, fun, exciting, and skilled. But, they just don't have that polish like Brian Wilson, and certainly not like Evan Turner. Take Ohio State to the Final Four.

SO, as it stands, you should have (*because I'm obviously correct) St. Mary's vs. Kentucky, and Syracuse vs. Ohio State. We shall re-visit this next week. Enjoy the weekend. Root for Gus Johnson.